Hardest Decision, Right Choice
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: AU. Set early series 3. Quinn and Santana are both looking for answers in the wrong place until they coincidentally discover each other and their friendship again. Quinntana friendship Oneshot. Quinn POV. Mentions of Brittana and Beth.


**Usual disclaimer. I don't own Glee. Although it kind of feels like I do, because Faberry has gone all cannon lol. **

**Okay, I know that nobody ever reads or reviews my oneshots it seems, so I probably should've just updated my Faberry fic instead, but I got this idea in my head and it wouldn't leave.**

** So here's a short and sweet Quinntana friendship fic, I love their little moments, and they are quite alike it seems to me…**

"_I'm breaking; I can't do this on my own. Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?"_

The bottle of pills rattled as I spun them against the rough concrete. I knew I should be happy, I had gotten what I'd wanted hadn't I? _This is the solution_ I told myself as I walked in, my mask firmly in place, every inch of me screaming that this caricature of a teen rebel was who I am now. My hostile shroud of vibrant pink hair and cigarette smoke were a charade, as much of a joke as the polyester cheerleader garb that I thought I could slip back into like a second skin. It doesn't matter how much I try to embody someone else. I'm still Quinn Fabray, and I care too much, I always have, that's my problem. That's what I needed the pills for, an escape, numbness. I wanted to be the girl who didn't feel anything. So there I had stood. _Help me I'm lost_ my eyes begged, they alone told the truth of it.

Now I had them, these little pills didn't seem like much of an answer. _Could it really be that simple? _They wouldn't make me forget, nothing would, and that's what I really craved. A world where my mistakes weren't waiting around every corner to ensnare me, but that was too much too hope for. I was 17 years old and I had more regrets than achievements. I sighed.

_Why did Shelby have to come back? I would've been fine. Nothing felt real when Beth was just the memory of a newborn in a pink blanket, a little girl that may or may not grow up to look like me. It didn't matter, she wasn't mine._

However, now I had seen her and that picture was always there, lurking behind my eyes, a fresh torment. I couldn't kid myself after that. The rush of emotion I had felt, I couldn't suppress it and Beth was on my mind all the time, like something had kick started in my head and my heart. I needed it to stop.

"You too, huh?" The voice made me jump. I'd thought I was alone, I wiped at my eyes quickly, eager that the cheerleader wouldn't bear witness to my tears. I looked down at what she had thrown. I was faced with an exact replica of my little prescription bottle.

"They must be a magic cure all." I muttered bitterly, spinning the canister again.

"I guess so, if they can make you be more honest and…" Santana trailed off, waiting for me to complete the rest of her sentence. I could divulge what did it matter, what difference did any of it make in the scheme of things?

"Forget, hopefully." I whispered dully, aware that she had moved to sit beside me.

"Must be some powerful narcotics then." Santana sighed. "I don't even want them, I didn't come here for pills, I mean my dad is a doctor for god sake, if that's all I needed…"

"Why did you come here?" My tone was more accusatory than I intended, a force of habit around my former best friend. Her motives were never all that clear to me. I eyed the building momentarily before my gaze fell on the Latina again. "All this touchy feely "hug it out" style crap is hardly your scene." As I spoke it occurred to me that we didn't really know each other that well anymore, but it felt like she needed me to say it. To acknowledge that she, Santana Lopez, didn't belong here, that she hadn't fallen this far.

She smirked and I knew I'd validated her a little. "I could ask you the same question Q." She deflected. She was never one for revealing her secrets. Santana played with a strand of her hair uncomfortably, and it was more telling than if she had spoken. It made me glad to know that she wasn't as cool and collected as she made out. I wasn't alone in this game I was playing. Her mask was just tighter fitting than mine and she had worn it longer.

"I've got nothing left to lose." I retorted. She could see through my tough girl act, she had from day one. It was useless to pretend, but I stubbornly clung to my predetermined role as long as I could.

Santana shook her head sadly. "You're a mess Q. I meant what I said about wanting you back. We can fix this." I wasn't interested in building bridges, it was better if they stayed burned.

"It'll take more than a haircut this time." I replied angrily, thinking back to New York, the last time I had reached out, the only time I'd let anyone see a glimpse of the shattered girl underneath. I'd been falling for a long time; I just wanted a safe place to land. I still wanted that. It was too late now. "Besides, I meant what I said. We've been growing apart for a long time San, if we were ever really friends at all."

"Of course we were friends, you know that, if you took one second out of your little pity party and stopped pushing us all away, you'd realise that there are people who care about you."

I snapped. "Really? Where were you when I needed you? I was pregnant and had nobody. I was so scared, you weren't there. It was all some big joke to you. Then afterwards you never even asked how I was. Nobody even mentioned Beth; it was like it never happened."

"I thought that's what you wanted. It isn't it? You just said that you want to forget."

"I do, but that doesn't mean I can, or that it's that easy. I needed my friends. My parents were MIA, I felt so alone. Do you get that?"

"I'm here now." Santana paused, looking at me for a while. She looked like the old Santana, the one from when we first met, whose outrageousness never failed to make me laugh. The girl who I was in awe of because she never took shit from anyone, my polar opposite. "Look Q, I'm sorry. Neither of us have been there for each other, we've been so busy tearing each other down. I can't even remember when our friendship turned into this."

I smirked. "Probably when you got your boob job." She laughed. It surprised me how normal this felt, us talking like this, even though we hadn't done it for the longest time. We'd never really had that type of friendship, but I felt myself reaching for it whatever it was that used to be ours just the same.

I was sick of being an island, keeping everything bottled inside. More than that, I missed the Latina. She saw through me and we were more alike than we ever dared to admit. "Why are you here?" I repeated my tone gentler this time.

"I had another fight with B. I think I may've lost her for good this time. I thought maybe if I came here, they could help me be more open with her, talk about my feelings, I've never been any good at that, but it's what she needs from me, so I have to try."

I nodded. Santana and Brittany's relationship had never been a secret from me, there was no point, the three of us were together so much that I had figured it out long before anyone else had even suspected, maybe before Santana realised herself what was going on. I was happy for them, content to wait for the two girls to connect the dots in their own time. It seemed that time was now. "They just fobbed you off with some pills. Typical, they never actually listen. I tried to explain this to my mom when she forced me into this, but she didn't want to hear it either. Adults suck." Santana nodded, biting her lip. "What are you going to do?"

The other girl shrugged. She looked smaller, defeated. She looked like me. "I don't know. I don't think I'm ready."

I thought for a moment. I didn't like seeing the Latina like this, whether we were friends or not, I admired her strength. Every day was a fight for her, and now I knew what that felt like. I was crumbling, but I couldn't let her do the same. "Look, I know you love Brittany, but don't let her push you into something that you can't handle. You need to do this on your own terms." Santana seemed unconvinced. I took a deep breath, as painful as it was for me to relive, I had to make her see how important this was. "I guess what I'm saying is that you should do what's right for you. Look at what happened to me, Puck had me convinced that we should keep Beth and raise her together as a family, if I'd listened to him, right now I'd be a welfare mom, struggling everyday with no real home or family support. There would be no bright future. I'd have made the biggest mistake of my life."

I winced at the words, the stark black and white truth laid bare in front of me. I looked over at Santana, hoping that my revelation had sunk in. However, her response wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting to hear.

"Don't take this the wrong way Q, but maybe Puck was right. I know you're trying to put a brave face on all of this but honestly you're falling apart. It's obvious that you regret the whole adoption thing…"

I didn't let her finish. "I do everyday. But it didn't matter what I wanted anymore, I couldn't be selfish. I had to do it for Beth. She's happy and she has a better life that I could offer her. That doesn't make it any easier, it hurts every day and there isn't a second when I don't miss her, but I had to do what was best for her. You see, what I'm trying to tell you is that sometimes the right decision is the hardest one to make." The tears fell freely then. Santana placed an arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder. It was comforting, a gesture reminiscent of our past. It made me think that maybe I hadn't lost her completely.

"I'm sorry Q." Her voice was heavy with emotion. I wondered how I could have ever doubted our friendship. She let me get myself together, no doubt pondering her next move.

"Do you love Brittany?" I already knew the answer, it was clear to me that the blonde was the only person that Santana truly, deeply cared about, but I needed to hear it from her. That was the first step.

"More than anything." Santana's retort was barely more than a whisper, but I knew how hard it was for her to voice that, so I squeezed her hand reassuringly.

"Well then, you have to tell her, talk to her about everything. I know it's scary, but it's the only way. Brittany is a lot of things, but she's not a mind reader." I could see her resolve wavering, but I couldn't let her give up on this. "You two love each other nothing else matters." It was a simplification, but it worked. I believe that love can conquer all, prejudice, fear, whatever. The love I have for my daughter is the only thing that keeps me going. I cling to it and I know that Brittany is that for Santana, the one good thing that she has in her life.

Santana smiled and I knew I'd gotten through. "Come with me? We all miss you at Glee club." I let her take my hand and pull me up. I nodded. She wasn't the only one with amends to make. I'd hurt a lot of people.

I picked up the bottles of pills and threw them into the trash. The sound was vaguely satisfying. _I'm proud of you _Santana's eyes seemed to say. At once, I stopped, the movement sudden, forgetting that our interlinking arms might cause Santana to stumble. The idea came to me in a flash with dizzying clarity. It seemed right. I didn't want to do this anymore, to be this person. I just wanted to be me again. "Wait!" I called. Confusion and alarm were etched all other the girl's face. I think she half expected me to either walk away or dive into the trash can. I smiled. "Before we go, I have a little stop to make, that is, unless you weren't joking about the peroxide in your locker."

Santana's face curved into a large grin. "The Unholy Trinity back together again. This is going to be our year Quinn!" I hoped that she was right, I needed her to be.


End file.
